awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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