I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
