you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
