If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
