it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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