I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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