before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
