i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
