I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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