Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
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corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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