My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
