So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
