tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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