My cat gives me a boner
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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