She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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