i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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