dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
