Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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