Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
