I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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