There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
