I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
