we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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