Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
