I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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