i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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