I want to walk on stilts...naked
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
