Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
