I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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