i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
