The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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