I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
