Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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