Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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