i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The feeling are messing with the penis
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
