He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
