Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
