You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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