i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
