just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
