My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
