First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
