First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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