I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
