Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
