dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
