apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
