I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
