can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Less talking, more tequila
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
