wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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