Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
