You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
